went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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