and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
