life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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