420 ftw
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
