guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
