I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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