He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
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