I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
