dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I'm having to shit out rocks
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
