I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
