I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I am available for nakedness
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
