is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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