Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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