Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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