i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
