a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I need to stop coming to work sober
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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