i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
