there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
