she looked like the bat from fern gully.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
