....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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