At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
