1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
