Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
