Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
