When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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