Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Randomize
