You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
