You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
