I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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