I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
