I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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