she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
