this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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