i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Randomize
