I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
