Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Is Oprah even human
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
