I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Randomize
