If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
