he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
