Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
