I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
