do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
