i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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