My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
