if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
