I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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