mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I just googled if crying burns calories
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
