Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
