My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
