I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
